I suppose you could say that my first time standing up in front of a crowd of people while playing guitar and singing was in December 1980. I would have been eleven years old at the time. Since then, I've played well over a thousand shows of various kinds, from coffee shops and Irish pubs to backyard parties, street fairs, sports bars and, of course, my many, many shows in the virtual world and on live video. Basically, it's been 37 straight years of playing live, and it often feels like I've already done it all. However, last night at Serenity Gardens, I managed to involuntarily do something new that I'd never planned on doing (or wanted to) in front of a live audience: I finished a song, and started crying. Ugh! Let me tell you what happened.
I'm a Sensitive Guy... Not a "Crying in Public" Guy
I know it's not necessary to make excuses for a display of emotion. I'm not so macho that I think men aren't allowed to shed a tear on occasion, when necessary. I should, however, give you a context for this. As many of my friends are already aware, my father passed away just over two weeks ago, on Friday September 8. I had postponed all shows during the time since, in order to get myself together and to focus on handling his affairs while still taking care of life as usual. So, certainly the fact that I'd dedicated a portion of my set to my dad and his memory probably had me in a somewhat emotionally vulnerable state.
But oddly, that's not what set me off. While my dad's passing was a shock, I've been able to handle it pretty well. I'm generally a pragmatist about the ending of life; it is, as far as we know, an inevitable aspect of life itself. I miss him as a person to whom I was close (and had continued to grow closer as I got older), but he was 76. Not terribly old, but not tragically young either. His dad, I should add, died when my pop was just 26, before I was even born. I got to have 48 of my years with my father, and I consider myself fortunate for that time, most of which was very good.
A Song for Garrett
Here's what caused me to blubber in front of a crowd that had come to see me play music and generally have a good time.
Music creates connections among people that might otherwise not realize things they had in common. There's a camaraderie that happens when two people discover that they really enjoy a style of music, or a particular band or artist. I've found that with much of the music I love, the bands/artists can be pretty obscure, and so when I meet someone who really loves the same music, it tells me something about that person. Awhile back, I was doing a Second Life show at Templemore, and I did a song by Sun Kil Moon called "Carry Me Ohio". A person who called that venue home was a guy named Garrett Lutz (known as David Drew in real life), and he was super enthusiastic about the fact that someone had played Sun Kil Moon at an SL show. I even wrote about it at the time, in May. Garrett and I didn't know each other super well, other than that I'd noted he always seemed to really enjoy himself at my shows when he turned up in my audience at various places.
One thing I didn't really know about Garrett was how ill he was. He'd been afflicted with ALS (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis), commonly known as Lou Gehrig's disease. There's no known cause for ALS, and currently no cure. It is a terrible disease; very few people live very long after its onset (with people like Stephen Hawking being an extremely rare notable exception). About half the people diagnosed with it die within a couple of years.
After learning about Garrett's illness and realizing that a) he might not have much time and b) we both loved this rather underground music, I made a commitment to learn more Sun Kil Moon songs so I could perform that music for him. But as they say, the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Garrett died on August 14, but I didn't find out about it until toward the end of the month, and then my dad passed away a short while later. Hence, I never had the opportunity to learn another Sun Kil Moon song -- which can be extraordinarily complex and difficult to perform -- and do it live for Garrett. Making it even more poignant, a good friend of mine, Tyche Szondi (who had been one of Garrett's closest friends) told me that Garrett had, on multiple occasions, told her how much he enjoyed my shows. Tyche related this to me shortly after I found out that Garrett had died.
Keeping a Promise
Last night, being my first show back, I was determined to fulfill my promise by performing a Sun Kil Moon song that I'd never done before. The song, called "Half Moon Bay", is a beautiful tune filled with deep melancholy in both its music and lyrics. While I couldn't do it exactly as written, I think I did a fairly passable interpretation, and ended with an instrument flourish that I thought sounded very good while I played. I hit the last note and said, "That was 'Half Moon Bay' by Sun Kil Moon, going out to my friend..." and then just sobbed. I got over it remarkably quickly and jumped immediately into my next song; if you weren't listening closely, you probably didn't even notice. But I sure did!
I have to think that the reason I cried onstage for the first time in 37 years of doing live shows was actually a combination of factors. My dad passing, the thoughts of Garrett and my unfulfilled plan of doing the song for him, and the song itself all added up to be an emotional atomic bomb. Interestingly, I feel better today than I have in awhile; perhaps that was a cathartic moment that needed to happen.
My show is usually a casual hour of fun and silliness, but it was okay that last night's show got a little heavy. Photo by Triana Caldera.
On a general basis in regard to the show, I should note that while my voice was feeling a bit rusty after a few weeks without singing, the show overall seemed pretty good, and people seemed to be glad they came. Regardless of all the other stuff, that's all that matters. The little four song mini-set in the middle with two songs each by Steely Dan and James Taylor was dedicated to my dad, who loved both.
Serenity Gardens set list...
Pretty Pimpin’ (Kurt Vile)
Always Tomorrow (Zak Claxton)
Carey (Joni Mitchell)
Any Major Dude (Steely Dan)
Rikki Don’t Lose That Number (Steely Dan)
You’ve Got a Friend (James Taylor)
Carolina in my Mind (James Taylor)
Falling Down (Zak Claxton)
*Half Moon Bay (Sun Kil Moon)
Blew the Dust Away (They Stole My Crayon)
Things Behind the Sun (Nick Drake)
Wish You Were Here (Pink Floyd)
*Indicates the first time I've performed this song in SL.
Huge thanks to all who came out to see me play live, with super special thanks to those who helped support the show!
RoxxyyRoller Resident, Kathrise Resident, ErikKottzen Resident, go2smoky Resident, Triana Caldera, Asimia Heron, Aurelie Chenaux, Tyche Szondi, TheaDee Resident, my lovely manager Maali Beck, and the great management team of Serenity Gardens, Tilly Rose and Ilsa Wilde!