Random News: March 12, 2023

DISCLAIMER: Zak's Random News is very random and doesn't cover many things, and not everything may be accurate, because I'm just some guy. Go find a real news source.

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Good morning. It’s March 12, 2023, and it’s a Sunday. I’m awake on the first day of Daylight Saving Time and I don’t like it one bit, so let’s see what I can observe and perhaps complain about…

• So what actually happened with Silicon Valley Bank’s collapse?
• It was fine on Wednesday; it was gone on Friday.
• Silicon Valley Bank had become the go-to lender for tech startups that appeared too risky in the eyes of larger, more traditional banks. Eventually, Silicon Valley Bank would come to do business with nearly half of all U.S. tech startups backed by venture capitalists.
• They’d been very successful since their founding in 1983.
• But on Wednesday, SVB announced it had sold a bunch of securities at a loss, and that it would also sell $2.25 billion in new shares to shore up its balance sheet. That triggered a panic among key venture capital firms, who reportedly advised companies to withdraw their money from the bank.
• AKA, a classic bank run. The result is the largest of a financial institution since the failure of Washington Mutual in 2008.
• But wait. Isn’t your money in a bank somewhat insured by the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC)?
• Yes… and the FDIC said that SVB depositors will be able to access up to $250,000 of their funds by Monday morning. Any amount above that will result in a "receivership certificate."
• For a corporation, though, $250,000 isn’t shit. Many of these companies had $50 million or more in that bank. $250,000 will maybe cover payroll for a week.
• In other news…
• Former vice president Mike Pence pretended to have testicles last night in a speech.
• “President Trump was wrong,” Pence said. “I had no right to overturn the election. And his reckless words endangered my family and everyone at the Capitol that day. And I know that history will hold Donald Trump accountable.”
• Oh my word! (fans self with hand)
• I know that if you’re like me, you’re 100% skeptical of Trump actually ever facing criminal charges for… well, anything. The stolen documents. His role and January 6, 2021. And so on.
• However, the New York Times reported Thursday that the Manhattan district attorney’s office has signaled to Trump’s lawyers that he could appear before a grand jury next week, a strong indication that the former president could face criminal charges over a hush money payment to porn star Stormy Daniels to keep quiet an alleged affair during the 2016 campaign.
• It would be hilarious if paying a porn star to fuck him would be his downfall.
• For no reason: Ron DeSantis’ middle name is Dion. Ronald Dion DeSantis. Now you know this.
• And now, The Weather: “Massif Central” by Bodywash
• Dozens of water rescues have been conducted after a 120-foot-wide breach emerged along California's Pajaro River in Monterey County, resulting in an "uncontrolled flow," officials said.
• Over 8,500 residents were urged to evacuate immediately after the levee broke around midnight Saturday. Many of the area’s residents are farmworkers who definitely don’t have the resources to just pack up and go somewhere else.
• Question for you.
• Does it bother you if someone calls you “sir” or “ma’am”?
• It doesn’t bother me. I think when I was maybe 35 and started hearing “sir” more than “dude” or “bro”, it was a little weird at first. But I got used to it.
• A lot of folks from the American South think of these terms as very standard articles of a polite society.
• But in much of the rest of today’s world, the words are intended as expressions of respect but also single out both age and gender, which people can be touchy about.
• Just a thought. Carrying on…
• In Asshole News, meet Randall Robert Berka II, who is 30 and lives with his mom in Michigan.
• Google submitted an online tip to the FBI after Berka allegedly made threatening statements on YouTube under the handle "@killthefeds420".
• He wrote, "im going to kill these democrats biden deserves to die" and that he was "more than willing" to kill Gov. Whitmer, and wrote that LGBTQ+ people need to "die and be genocided."
• In a YouTube comment addressed to the FBI, Berka listed his name and where he lived and challenged law enforcement to try to take his guns. So they did.
• Snort.
• Something I did not know until just now: West Virginia has the highest per capita rate of transgender youth in the country.
• However, a bill that would ban health care for transgender minors in West Virginia is headed to the desk of Gov. Jim Justice.
• The Republican governor has not taken a public stance on the measure and it's unclear whether he will sign it into law.
• Every major medical organization, including the American Medical Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics and the American Psychiatric Association, supports gender-affirming care for youths.
• I suppose we should mention Daylight Saving Time again.
• I mean, it’s here. I’ve already gone through my house resetting clocks that weren’t smart enough to reset themselves.
• Today’s not the problem. It’s Sunday. No one gives a shit what time it is on Sunday (my pardons to those of you who observe religious activities and need to actually be somewhere at a certain time).
• Tomorrow will be the problem. I already have a plan in place to arrange my laundered clothes in a certain order so that getting dressed in pitch black darkness will be possible.
• And yeah, they keep saying things like, “This may be the last time we change clocks!” and I know that’s bullshit.
• From the Sports Desk… legendary Vikings head coach and Hall of Famer Bud Grant has died at 95. Grant led the Vikings to four Super Bowl appearances in 18 years.
• Grant coached the Vikings from 1967 through 1985, amassing an impressive 158-96-5 regular-season record. RIP Coach.
• In other sports news, now that the New York Jets have completely restructured veteran contracts and cleared cap space to sign Aaron Rodgers, it would be just like him to fuck them.
• "Stay tuned. I think it won't be long," Rodgers said in a video published late Saturday. "There's a time limit for all this."
• I am more and more anti-Rodgers as this process drags out.
• Today in history… The Girl Guides — later renamed the Girl Scouts of the USA — are founded in the United States (1912). Moscow becomes the capital of Russia again after Saint Petersburg held this status for most of the period since 1713 (1918). Franklin D. Roosevelt addresses the nation for the first time as President of the United States, the first of his "fireside chats” (1933). Sir Tim Berners-Lee submits his proposal to CERN for an information management system, which subsequently develops into the World Wide Web (1989). Former Warsaw Pact members the Czech Republic, Hungary and Poland join NATO (1999). Financier Bernie Madoff pleads guilty to one of the largest frauds in Wall Street's history (2009). A reactor at the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Plant explodes and releases radioactivity into the atmosphere a day after the 2011 Tōhoku earthquake and tsunami (2011). The United States suspends travel from Europe due to the COVID-19 pandemic (2020).
• March 12 is the birthday of composer Thomas Arne, E (1710), US first lady Jane Pierce (1806), farmer Charles Boycott (1832), author Jack Kerouac (1922), astronaut Wally Schirra (1923), playwright Edward Albee (1928), actress Barbara Feldon (1933), singer Al Jarreau (1940), actress/singer Liza Minnelli (1946), politician Mitt Romney (1947), singer-songwriter James Taylor (1948), songwriter/bass player Steve Harris (1956), MLB player Darryl Strawberry (1962), colonel/politician Tammy Duckworth (1968), and journalist Jake Tapper (1969).

Okay, I guess that’s enough for now. It’s 9:30 and feels like 8:30 and I don’t like it. Enjoy your day.