Random News: January 16, 2024

DISCLAIMER: Zak's Random News is very random and doesn't cover many things, and not everything may be accurate, because I'm just some guy. Go find a real news source.

---

Good morning. It’s January 16, 2024, and it’s a Tuesday. My name is Zak, I’m gonna attack, like a yak in a sack with a wack backpack. Wait, what? Let’s do some news.

• In the year’s least surprising headline thus far, Donnie “El Dumpo” Dump soared to an easy victory in the Iowa Republican caucuses last night. The Associated Press called Iowa for Dump at 8:32pm, just a half hour after the caucuses began.
• The only point of interest in this election was in regard to who came in second place, in the off chance that Donnie might not be around to serve as president, or be otherwise unable or ineligible to participate in the general election this fall.
• That was Ron DeSantis, who barely edged Nikki Haley out of the spot.
• Anyway, you’ll see the headlines about Dump having won in a landslide. Back up a second.
• Dump looks super vulnerable after last night. It’s just a single datapoint, but this spells disaster for him in a general election. Almost 50% of Iowa’s hardcore Republican electorate is not interested in what he’s pedaling.
• And, I feel compelled to add, whether it was because of freezing temps or general malaise in enthusiasm given their choices, less than 120,000 people in Iowa voted, in a state that has over 700,000 registered Republicans.
• So the voter turnout was under 4% of Iowa’s total population. Side note: DeSantis spent about $150 million in Iowa to get 23,420 votes. That’s $6,400 per vote, kids.
• My only other note on this topic: here are the past three winners of the Iowa caucus.
• 2008: Mike Huckabee. 2012: Rick Santorum. 2016: Ted Cruz. 2020: Donald Trump.
• Every single one of them lost their races, and most of them didn’t even end up as the eventual nominee.
• I suppose the only other political headline from last night was that Vivek Ramaswamy, a wealthy tech-bro and extreme prick who was once described as “ChatGPT in human form”, suspended his bid for the Republican presidential nomination.
• Vivek came in a distant fourth with a whopping 8,449 votes. I think your local city council member likely got more votes than that. 
• There was one guy who predicted that Ramaswamy would surprise everyone and win the GOP nomination. That person was Elon Musk.
• No, really, I’m serious. You love to see it.
• And yes, Dump will almost certainly be the guy to beat when we re-elect Joe Biden this fall. I’m not trying to lower the urgency for Democratic voters to rally our troops and kick some ass. But really, Iowa hasn’t been any kind of real indicator in decades.
• The next step in the GOP’s train of losers is in New Hampshire, where the results should be a good deal more interesting than in Iowa. NH’s Republican presidential primary, the first actual primary in the nation, is in a week on January 23.
• Let’s move on.
• A Houthi anti-ship ballistic missile struck a US-owned and operated cargo ship yesterday. The attack against the Gibraltar Eagle appears to be the first time the Houthis have successfully struck a US-owned or operated ship.
• The ship sustained minor damage and did not report any injuries on board, and is continuing on its way.
• I’d assume that the US will retaliate. I’d really prefer that a more widespread conflict in the Middle East not start escalating. Less war is good, mmmkay?
• Some good news out of the Supreme Court this morning. They declined to weigh in on the contentious issue of bathroom access for transgender students by rejecting an Indiana school district's appeal.
• This lets stand a lower court ruling allowing transgender students in Indiana to access school restrooms and locker rooms consistent with their gender identity.
• At issue was whether either the Constitution’s 14th Amendment, which says that the laws apply equally to everyone, or Title IX, the federal law that prohibits sex discrimination in education, protects transgender students in that context.
• Despite this momentary reprieve, it’s likely that the Supreme Court will eventually have to weigh in on the issue at some point.
• Moving on to some business news.
• Yesterday, Washington state's attorney general filed a lawsuit seeking to block Kroger's proposed $24.6 billion deal for Albertsons, saying it would curtail shopping options, endanger jobs and reduce competition that keeps a lid on grocery prices.
• The merged company would hold a near-monopoly in many parts of the state.
• "This merger is bad for Washington shoppers and workers. Shoppers will have fewer choices and less competition, and, without a competitive marketplace, they will pay higher prices at the grocery store. That's not right, and this lawsuit seeks to stop this harmful merger."
• Combined, Kroger and Albertsons would have more than 700,000 workers in nearly 5,000 stores across 49 states and generate total annual revenue of more than $200 billion. Washington’s suit seeks to block the merger of Kroger and Albertsons nationwide. The deal must pass muster with federal antitrust enforcers.
• And now, The Weather: “Morning Zoo” by Ratboys
• Yes, it’s cold in most places. From Oregon to New York and all the way down to Florida, the US grappled with the effects of a weather system that hit tens of millions of people.
• Arctic storms left at least four dead and knocked out electricity to tens of thousands in the Pacific Northwest, brought snow to the south, and walloped the northeast with blizzard conditions. It hit -50F in Montana and the Dakotas.
• So, stay safe, stay warm, and really think about that thing you assume you need to do, versus dying from exposure.
• Got a chart for you. It’s January 1974. I am five years old. And this is a fucking fine-ass collection of music that was all at the top of the Billboard 100 50 years ago this very week.
• Little side note: Ringo Starr did not write his hit song “You’re Sixteen”. It was a cover of a tune that first came out in 1960. Still, Ringo was 33 when he recorded his version. That’s kinda fucked up. Don’t sing about 30-something guys banging teenagers.
• 1. The Joker (The Steve Miller Band). 2. Time In A Bottle (Jim Croce). 3. Show And Tell (Al Wilson). 4. Smokin' In The Boy's Room (Brownsville Station). 5. I've Got To Use My Imagination (Gladys Knight And The Pips). 6. You're Sixteen (Ringo Starr). 7. Never, Never Gonna Give Ya Up (Barry White). 8. Living For The City (Stevie Wonder). 9. Let Me Be There (Olivia Newton-John). 10. Helen Wheels (Paul McCartney And Wings). 11. The Way We Were (Barbra Streisand). 12. The Most Beautiful Girl (Charlie Rich). 13. Love's Theme (Love Unlimited Orchestra). 14. Leave Me Alone (ruby Red Dress) (Helen Reddy). 15. When I Fall In Love/Are You Lonesome Tonight (Donny Osmond). 16. Me And Baby Brother (War). 17. Until You Come Back To Me (That's What I'm Gonna Do) (Aretha Franklin). 18. Goodbye Yellow Brick Road (Elton John). 19. Top Of The World (Carpenters). 20. Hello It's Me (Todd Rundgren)
• From the Sports Desk… two NFL games wrapped up the Wild Card round of the playoffs yesterday. The Bills pretty much manhandled the Steelers, winning 31-17. The Bucs ran roughshod 32-9 over the hapless Eagles, who’d been on a downward trajectory after starting the season so strong.
• So, we now have our matchups set for the Divisional round of the playoffs this coming weekend.
• In the AFC, the Houston Texans will visit the top-seed Baltimore Ravens on Saturday, while the Kansas City Chiefs will head to face off against the Buffalo Bills on Sunday.
• The NFC matchups will feature the Green Bay Packers at the San Francisco 49ers on Saturday, and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers facing the Detroit Lions on Sunday.
• I’ll give you odds on all these games shortly.
• Today in history… Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus is granted the title Augustus by the Roman Senate, marking the beginning of the Roman Empire (27 BC). The Ostrogoths, under King Totila, conquer Rome after a long siege, by bribing the Isaurian garrison (550). Virginia enacts the Statute for Religious Freedom authored by Thomas Jefferson (1786). The Pendleton Civil Service Reform Act, establishing the United States Civil Service, is enacted by Congress (1883). Ernest Shackleton's expedition finds the magnetic South Pole (1909). Adolf Hitler moves into his underground bunker, the so-called Führerbunker (1945). The last Iranian Shah flees Iran with his family for good and relocates to Egypt (1979). The UN Security Council unanimously establishes an arms embargo and the freezing of assets of Osama bin Laden, al-Qaeda, and the remaining members of the Taliban (2002). The first impeachment of Donald Trump formally moves into its trial phase in the United States Senate (2020). 
• January 16 is the birthday of composer Niccolò Piccinni (1728), US vice president John C. Breckinridge (1821), businessman André Michelin (1853), politician Fulgencio Batista (1901), actress/singer Ethel Merman (1908), MLB player Dizzy Dean (1910), photographer Francesco Scavullo (1921), zoologist/anthropologist Dian Fossey (1932), writer Susan Sontag (1933), singer/pianist Ronnie Milsap (1943), director John Carpenter (1948), actress/dancer/choreographer Debbie Allen (1950), singer-songwriter Sade (1959), model Kate Moss (1975), singer Aaliyah (1979), actor/playwright Lin-Manuel Miranda (1980), MLB player Albert Pujols (1980), NFL player Joe Flacco (1985), and singer-songwriter FKA Twigs (1988).

I have a lot of shit to do today, which makes it like most days. But I’ll be okay, and so will you. Enjoy your day.