Random News: November 28, 2024

DISCLAIMER: Zak's Random News is very random and doesn't cover many things, and not everything may be accurate, because I'm just some guy. Go find a real news source.

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Good morning. It’s November 28, 2024, and it’s a Thursday for some reason. It’s also Thanksgiving here in the USA. Like many Americans, I will be spending a good chunk of the day preparing an insane feast with far too much food compared to the number of people here to consume it.

• Here’s my annual guide on how to make a turkey.
• First, get a turkey. Don’t get a frozen turkey. You’re way too late. You couldn’t make a frozen turkey ready for dinner tonight with anything less powerful than a hydrogen bomb. A frozen turkey would laugh at a typical flamethrower.
• The only way a frozen turkey will work is if you also get a time machine and set it for this past Monday to start defrosting.
• So get a fresh turkey. Take it home.
• Preheat your oven to 350º F. Some say 325º. I say my oven runs a bit cool and I don’t have all fucking day. Adjust accordingly.
• The turkey will be wrapped in some kind of plastic.
• Be careful about where you open said plastic. There will be various liquids inside that you don’t want to spray around willy-nilly in your kitchen.
• I’m assuming you’re in your kitchen. Don’t prepare food in your bedroom or bathroom. That’s… gross.
• So anyway, you’ve got this turkey in front of you. You will notice something right away.
• The turkey will have a hole where its neck used to be, and a hole in the general vicinity of its ass.
• But don’t worry. This is normal. Here’s where it gets weird.
• You’re gonna remove the neck from the ass, and the body parts, aka giblets, from the neck. Do not freak out. They are in little plastic bags.
• You are not compelled to do anything with these spare parts. Now, if you’re a cool-ass motherfucker, you might want to make your own giblet gravy from scratch.
• I will not be telling you how. I’m just your turkey guy. Go find a giblet guy elsewhere.
• Controversial moment: to rinse the bird or not.
• There’s an actual USDA has a statement on this. It says…
• “Many consumers think that washing their turkey will remove bacteria and make it safer. However, it's virtually impossible to wash bacteria off the bird. Instead, juices that splash during washing can transfer bacteria onto the surfaces of your kitchen, other foods and utensils.”
• So, ew, fucking gross, there’s so much bacteria on the fucking animal carcass that it’s pointless to wash and you should just give up. That’s what they’re saying.
• I carefully rinse my turkey in my sink with nothing else in it. I do NOT splash turkey juice all over the fucking place. I am careful. I am calm. I am at one with this dead bird.
• After I give it a rinse, I pat it down with some paper towels. Then I put the turkey on some more paper towels.
• Important note: everything the turkey touches in this raw state must be SUPER cleaned immediately after. I’m talking hot water, soap, disinfectant, and so on. Hands, countertop, sink, the car in which you drove the turkey home, and all points in between.
• I mean, don’t freak out. But do clean.
• Let’s talk about stuffing.
• I fucking love stuffing. You could serve me literally everything else in a giant Thanksgiving feast and without stuffing, it would be entirely meaningless to me.
• Stuffing is easy to make. I won’t tell you how. You can easily find that info elsewhere. But I will say this.
• Hopefully you started on your stuffing hours earlier.
• If you’re going to put in in the bird, it needs to be made and then cooled. Let’s assume you did this, and it’s been in your fridge with some plastic wrap on it to keep it moist.
• Moist, I said, Moist.
• Your other option, and many prefer this anyway, is to cook the stuffing apart from the bird.
• Why do I bring all this up? Two reasons.
• First, the cooking time is longer with the bird stuff versus not.
• Second, I’m gonna tell you some shit about how to stuff.
• Put your bird into the roaster pan. Don’t stuff the turkey until right before that fucker is going in the oven. 
• Do not overstuff the bird. That’s a terrible idea. Just put the stuffing in the cavities until it is loosely full.
• Side note: I make twice as much stuffing as I need for the bird because a) I heat up the non-stuffed stuffing as its own side dish and b) I require stuffing for my sandwiches the next day.
• So you have your stuffed bird, and your oven is well heated to the proper temp.
• One more thing.
• Take a lot of butter and put it all over that turkey.
• How much butter? Like, way more than you think. Every millimeter of the surface area of that turkey should be buttered. Heavily buttered. Apply the butter any way you want. Melt it and pour, or just squish it all over at room temp. Smear it into the crevices.
• I hope you have a meat thermometer. If not, you’ll probably be fine. If so, stab it into the beast in the lower part of the thigh next to the body, not touching the bone.
• Put the bird in the oven. Try putting it in at an angle where you can actually see your thermometer. That’s helpful.
• So, that’s basically it. Oh wait, you probably want to know how long to cook that sucker.
• Roast your bird at 325-350º for about 15 minutes per pound, if it’s stuffed. For my typical 12-13 pound turkey, that’s usually right around four hours.
• This is a good time to scrub the crap out of everything per above. Especially yourself.
• But wait. There’s one more thing.
• When it’s about 2/3 done and the skin is a lovely shade of golden brown, make a little tent with some aluminum foil and put it over your bird.
• The turkey is fully cooked when the thigh’s internal temperature is 180 degrees. If you’re super fancy, the thickest part of the breast should read 170 degrees and the center of the stuffing should be 165 degrees.
• Take it out of the oven. Don’t leave your oven on unless you’re cooking other shit as I do.
• This next part is important.
• You may be hungry but you’re gonna wait a bit. Let the turkey stand for 15 to 20 minutes before carving. There are reasons for this that involve your turkey being delightfully juicy rather than bone-ass dry.
• Also, if you’re me, you’re finishing up 17 other dishes at that moment and need the time regardless.
• That’s all. Super easy.
• The only hard part is timing all of your other dishes to be ready when the turkey gets carved. What I do (and I assume most people do) is simple…
• Pick the time you intend to serve dinner, and back everything else off from that time.
• Personal observation: the turkey is probably my least favorite part of the meal. Don’t get me wrong… it’s great for sandwiches the next day, and the day after that.
• But at the feast, I’m more of a yam man. I also love that stuffing. The mashed taters and gravy are another favorite. Shit, even my green bean casserole is tasty as fuck.
• The turkey? As moist and flavorful as it is when prepared well, it’s just boring bird meat.
• Waking up tomorrow and eating sandwiches for breakfast is actually my favorite part of the holiday.
• Let’s do a little bit of news before I get started.
• Remember that election that happened 75,000,000 years ago? It’s still going on.
• Democrat Derek Tran has won election to the US House of Representatives in California’s 45th congressional district, beating incumbent Michelle Steel.
• That’s a flip. The AP called the race for Tran after a weeks-long count. Republicans already control the US House, as well as the Senate, but picking up the seat is a big win for Democrats, who lost it to Steel in 2020.
• Although Steel initially had a commanding lead, the race became neck and neck as election workers tallied more ballots.
• Gotta count them all.
• And in another California congressional district, it looks like another flip is possible. Democrat Adam Gray is ahead of incumbent John Duarte in the 13th district.
• The tally at the moment is 104,991 to 104,801, with a razor-thin advantage for Gray.
• If he wins, the makeup of the next House looks like 220-215, but several of the GOP reps have been pulled to serve in various roles in the Dump admin.
• So once again, to pass any legislation, the GOP will be reliant on participation forms he Democrats.
• Good times.
• Let’s move on.
• As we said would happen…
• Canada is already examining possible retaliatory tariffs on certain items from the United States should Dumpy follow through on his threat to impose sweeping tariffs on Canadian products.
• Dump said he would impose a 25% tax on all products entering the U.S. from Canada and Mexico as one of his first executive orders.
• A Canadian government official said Canada is preparing for every eventuality and has started thinking about what items to target with tariffs in retaliation.
• And Mexico’s president and economy minister have given the clearest picture yet of how their government will respond to Dump’s proposed tariffs on the country.
• Speaking at a news conference on Wednesday, Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum said the Mexican response would be swift if Trump followed through on the plans.
• “If there are US tariffs, Mexico would also raise tariffs,” Sheinbaum said.
• Economy Minister Marcelo Ebrard also warned against Trump starting a regional trade war, calling the cost to US workers “huge”.
• He estimates that around 400,000 jobs will be lost in the US, pointing to a study based on figures from US carmakers that manufacture in Mexico.
• Way to go, Dumpy. And sorry for you autoworkers who will be unemployed early next year. We did try and tell you.
• Moving on.
• Ohio Republican Gov. Mike DeWine signed a bill yesterday banning transgender students from using school restrooms that align with their gender identities. The Republican-majority state Senate pushed forward SB 104, also known as the “Protect All Students Act,” in a 24-7 party-line vote.
• “No school shall permit a member of the female biological sex to use a student restroom, locker room, changing room, or shower room that has been designated by the school for the exclusive use of the male biological sex,” and vice versa, the bill reads.
• SB 104 applies to Ohio’s public K-12 schools, as well as colleges and universities. Other states have passed laws that seek to regulate which restrooms trans people can use, as well, including Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Idaho, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Tennessee, and Utah. 
• Just to prove that the bill is being done for purposes of cruelty, it also mandates that Ohio schools cannot have restrooms or locker rooms that are open to all genders.
• One reason I document this stuff is that down the road, when these people have to justify their actions, they won’t be able to claim their intent was misunderstood.
• In other news…
• Sean “Diddy” Combs will remain in jail after a judge rejected his latest attempt for release while the rapper and music producer awaits trial on charges of sex trafficking and racketeering conspiracy.
• Good. Fuck Diddy.
• Judge Arun Subramanian denied Combs’ team’s motion for release yesterday. “The Court finds that the government has shown by clear and convincing evidence that no condition or combination of conditions will reasonably assure the safety of the community,” the judge wrote in a five-page order.
• And now, The Weather: “Make 'em Laugh” by Benét + Faye Webster
• From the Sports Desk… as has become a traditional part of the American Thanksgiving experience, there are three NFL games on today.
• The Bears (4-7) play the Lions (10-1) stating in about a half hour. In the afternoon, it’s Giants (2-9) at Cowboys (4-7)… yawn. This evening, the Dolphins (5-6) take on the Packers (8-3).
• Today in history… Ferdinand Magellan completes the first passage through the Strait of Magellan and enters the Pacific Ocean (1520). In Stratford-upon-Avon, William Shakespeare and Anne Hathaway pay a £40 bond — equivalent to £12,500 today — for their marriage license (1582). Beethoven's Piano Concerto No. 5 in E-flat major, Op. 73, premieres at the Gewandhaus in Leipzig (1811). Irish nationalist Arthur Griffith founds Sinn Féin as a political party with the main aim of establishing a dual monarchy in Ireland (1905). The Grand Ole Opry begins broadcasting in Nashville, Tennessee, as the ‘WSM Barn Dance’ (1925). First successful flight of SM-65 Atlas; the first operational intercontinental ballistic missile (1958). NASA launches the Mariner 4 probe toward Mars (1964). The first pulsar is discovered by two astronomers Jocelyn Bell Burnell and Antony Hewish (1967). British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher resigns as Prime Minister and is succeeded by John Major (1990). Over seven hundred civilians are massacred by the Ethiopian National Defense Force and Eritrean Army in Aksum, Ethiopia (2020).
• November 28 is the birthday of poet/painter William Blake (1757), philosopher Friedrich Engels (1820), Venezuela president Ramón José Velásquez (1916), songwriter/producer Berry Gordy, Jr. (1929), singer-songwriter/composer/pianist Randy Newman (1943), keyboardist/bandleader Paul Shaffer (1949), actor Ed Harris (1950), actress S. Epatha Merkerson (1952), drummer/songwriter Matt Cameron (1962), comedian/TV host Jon Stewart (1962), model/actress Anna Nicole Smith (1967), singer-songwriter/guitarist Sigurd Wongraven (1975), rapper Chamillionaire (1979), NBA player Andrew Bogut (1984), actress Karen Gillan (1987), and NFL player Jarvis Landry (1992).

Time for me to put on my chef’s hat, starting with some delicious deviled eggs. Enjoy your day.