Random News: April 1, 2024

DISCLAIMER: Zak's Random News is very random and doesn't cover many things, and not everything may be accurate, because I'm just some guy. Go find a real news source.

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Good morning. It’s April 1, 2024, and it’s a Tuesday. My name is Zak Claxton, and having carefully taken the whole situation into consideration, I’ve decided the time is right to announce my candidacy for President of the United States of America.

• Rabbit rabbit rabbit. Happy April to you all.
• Oh, also, nearly everything in my little preamble other than the date was a lie. A fib. A falsehood. A trick. A jest. A prank. It is indeed April 1, so try not to be fooled.
• But it is not Tuesday, my name is not Zak Claxton, and the last fucking job in the world I would ever want is POTUS.
• However, being an American-born person over 35 years old, I could run for president. So could many of you. I just wouldn’t ever want to, nor would I win if I did.
• So I’m happy to make my own Shermanesque statement. You know what that is?
• Civil War General William Tecumseh Sherman was being considered as a possible Republican candidate for the US presidential election of 1884. He said, in the most honest and truthful thing a potential political leader ever said in history, "I hereby state, and mean all that I say, that I never have been and never will be a candidate for President; that if nominated by either party, I should peremptorily decline; and even if unanimously elected I should decline to serve."
• Me too, General. Me too.
• Want to know more about April Fools’ Day?
• First, it’s a lot older than you probably think. The actual origins are uncertain, but there’s a disputed association that goes all the way back to 1392, with Geoffrey Chaucer's ‘The Canterbury Tales.'
• In the "Nun's Priest's Tale", a vain cock is tricked by a fox on "Since March began thirty days and two,” 32 days since March began, which is April 1.
• References to April Fools were likely present in the Middle Ages. At the time, New Year's Day was celebrated from March 25-31 in most European towns, and those who celebrated New Year's on January 1 made fun of those who celebrated on other dates by the invention of April Fools' Day.
• There is an unambiguous reference to April Fools' Day in a 1561 poem by Flemish poet Eduard de Dene of a nobleman who sent his servant on foolish errands on April 1.
• Anyway, I’m not fooling; all that shit is true.
• Okay, some news.
• Six days after a container ship's catastrophic crash into a Baltimore bridge, authorities were preparing to establish a temporary alternate channel to allow commercially essential ships to navigate through one of the nation's busiest ports.
• The 11-foot-deep temporary route will be part of a phased approach to opening the main channel. A 2,000-yard safety zone remains in effect around the Francis Scott Key Bridge site to protect salvage workers, ships and the marine environment.
• The alternate route will allow some marine traffic into Baltimore, but no ships or people will be permitted to enter the safety zone without obtaining permission from the port.
• Moving on, but still on the topic of transportation routes…
• A 40-mile stretch of California’s Highway 1 remains closed this morning after a landslide during a major storm over the weekend caused chunks of the road to fall down a cliff.
• About 1,600 people are stranded there until they can be evacuated. The landslide occurred Saturday afternoon near Rocky Creek Bridge, one of several historic spans that line the scenic highway and a popular vantage point to admire the coastal views.
• For those of you unfamiliar, this isn’t the first time Highway 1 fell into the ocean. It just happens occasionally.
• Moving on.
• If you were super angry at President Biden for having named Transgender Day of Visibility on the same day as Easter, I’m looking forward to making you way more angry when I tell you next year, Biden is holding Easter on April 20, the international day of weed smokers as well as Hitler’s birthday.
• Just to be clear for the lower-intelligence folks… Biden doesn’t decide when Easter is, what day holidays are observed, or control time and space in any way.
• Jesus.
• Speaking of Easter…
• Pope Francis lead some 60,000 people in Easter celebrations yesterday, making a strong appeal for a cease-fire in Gaza and a prisoner swap between Russia and Ukraine.
• “Peace is never made with weapons, but with outstretched hands and open hearts,” he said. Sounds good to me.
• In other news…
• Turkey's main opposition party has declared victory in high-stakes elections in the main cities of Istanbul and Ankara.
• A year after Erdogan secured a third term as president, he had made it his goal to win back the city where he grew up and became mayor. But the night belonged to the main opposition as it closed in on victory.
• The secular CHP party was also on course to win in many of Turkey's other big cities, including Izmir and Bursa, Adana and the resort of Antalya.
• The outcome was a significant blow for Erdogan, who has led Turkey for the past 21 years. This was the first time since he came to power that his AK Party was defeated across the country at the ballot box.
• Interesting. I think there’s a backlash to the kind of authoritarian and dictatorial leaders the world has endured in recent decades.
• In World of Dump news, Rep. Mike Lawler (R-NY) said yesterday that “families should always be off-limits” after Don the Con lashed out at the daughter of the Manhattan judge overseeing his hush money trial.
• Republicans seem to love to attack the families of their opposition. Their fixation on Hunter Biden, while not attending to their actual jobs of helping to run the country, is a great example.
• In that criminal case, Drump faces 34 counts in New York of illegally falsifying business records when reimbursing his ex-fixer, Michael Cohen, for making a payment to adult film actress Stormy Daniels to conceal an affair ahead of the 2016 election.
• The trial starts in a couple of weeks on April 15.
• I’ve got some fantastic news for you.
• After almost two decades of relentless colony collapse coverage, the new Census of Agriculture states that America’s honeybee population has rocketed to an all-time high.
• We’ve added almost a million bee colonies in the past five years, now reaching 3.8 million. Honeybees have been the fastest-growing livestock segment in the country, and that doesn’t count feral honeybees, which may outnumber their captive cousins several times over.
• The other fastest-growing livestock categories? In order: ducks, chickens, and hogs. The most diminished livestock? Emus, ostriches, and llamas.
• And now, The Weather: “Everyone Out” by DIIV
• Let’s do a chart. It’s April 1, 1990, and here’s the top of the Billboard 200 album chart. I’m fully submersed in college, having returned the previous year after fucking up in various ways for several years beforehand.
• 1. Nick Of Time (Bonnie Raitt). 2. Forever Your Girl (Paula Abdul). 3. Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation 1814 (Janet Jackson). 4. Soul Provider (Michael Bolton). 5. Alannah Myles (Alannah Myles). 6. ...But Seriously (Phil Collins_. 7. Cosmic Thing (The B-52s). 8. Pump (Aerosmith). 9.  Cry Like A Rainstorm, Howl Like The Wind (Linda Ronstadt (Featuring Aaron Neville)). 10. Pump Up The Jam - The Album (Technotronic). 11. Girl You Know It's True (Milli Vanilli). 12. Back On The Block (Quincy Jones). 13. Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em (M.C. Hammer). 14. Storm Front (Billy Joel). 15. Full Moon Fever (Tom Petty). 16. Affection (Lisa Stansfield). 17. Dr. Feelgood (Motley Crue). 18. Live (Kenny G). 19. Tender Lover (Babyface). 20. The End Of The Innocence (Don Henley).
• From the Sports Desk… the NCAA Men’s Final 4 is set. 
• 1-seed UConn vs. 4-seed Alabama. 11-seed NC State vs. 2-seed marquette.
• Both games are scheduled for Saturday April 6.
• Today in history… The United States House of Representatives achieves its first quorum and elects Frederick Muhlenberg of Pennsylvania as its first Speaker (1789). Union troops led by Philip Sheridan decisively defeat Confederate troops led by George Pickett, cutting the Army of Northern Virginia's last supply line (1865). The Territorial Force, renamed Territorial Army in 1920, is formed as a volunteer reserve component of the British Army (1908). Adolf Hitler is sentenced to five years imprisonment for his participation in the "Beer Hall Putsch" but spends only nine months in jail (1924). United States President Dwight D. Eisenhower authorizes the creation of the United States Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs, CO (1954). President Richard Nixon signs the Public Health Cigarette Smoking Act into law (1970). Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak found Apple Computer, Inc. (1976). Iran becomes an Islamic republic by a 99% vote, officially overthrowing the Shah (1979). Singer Marvin Gaye is shot to death by his father in his home in Arlington Heights, Los Angeles, CA (1984). Nunavut is established as a Canadian territory carved out of the eastern part of the Northwest Territories (1999). Same-sex marriage becomes legal in the Netherlands, the first contemporary country to allow it (2001). Google launches its Email service Gmail (2004).
• April 1 is the birthday of mathematician/physicist Sophie Germain (1776), composer Sergei Rachmaninoff (1873), actor Lon Chaney (1883), actor Wallace Beery (1995), psychologist Abraham Maslow (1908), librarian Augusta Braxton Baker (1911), actress Grace Lee Whitney (1930), actress Ali MacGraw (1939), MLB player Phil Niekro (1939), bass player Ronnie Lane (1946), singer-songwriter Gil Scott-Heron (1949), SCOTUS justice Samuel Alito (1950), drummer Jeff Porcaro (1954), singer/musician D. Boon (1958), singer Susan Boyle (1961), journalist Rachel Maddow (1973), actress Bijou Phillips (1980), actor Taran Killam (1982), NBA player Brook Lopez (1988), NBA player Robin Lopez (1988), and YouTube influencer Logan Paul (1995).

Well, as always, there’s more news, but not more time, and I have to go get ready because today, I am running in the Great Southern California Marathon. It’s 26.2 miles, starting here in the South Bay and ending at the front of Crypto Arena downtown. Ha! You gullible fuckers. I don’t even run to buy cigarettes across the street. Enjoy your day.