Random News: January 4, 2025

DISCLAIMER: Zak's Random News is very random and doesn't cover many things, and not everything may be accurate, because I'm just some guy. Go find a real news source.

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Good morning. It’s January 4, 2025, and it’s a Saturday. Feels great to be lounging about like a king in my blue bathrobe and my fresh cup of Peet’s Brazil. Got plenty of news — which is typical in this crazy age — so let’s get into it.

• President-elect Donnie Dump will be sentenced on 34 counts of falsifying business records ahead of his swearing-in on January 20, a judge ruled yesterday.
• The decision to schedule the sentencing for January 10 means Dumpy will be the first felon to serve as a U.S. president.
• Ha ha! You suck. Fucking criminal douchebag.
• But before you get all gleeful, note — per what I have told you a thousand times — New York Supreme Court Justice Juan Merchan wrote in his ruling that he does not intend to sentence Dump to jail.
• And even if he was going to, there’s no way Dump’s jail sentence would commence while he was president, as hilarious as that would be. It would begin after he left office, in January 2029 at age 82.
• I seriously doubt he’ll live that long regardless. And even if he does, he’ll never see the inside of a jail cell. Stop dreaming about that. It’s pointless.
• As you recall with joy, Dump was convicted in May of falsifying business records to conceal a hush-money payment to Stormy Daniels, a porn star, ahead of the 2016 election. He faces up to four years in prison, but many experts said incarceration is unlikely even if he wasn’t the incoming president due to his age and his lack of prior convictions.
• And, um, because he’s wealthy and powerful. Those people never go to jail.
• The case was the only one of Dumpy’s four criminal indictments to go to trial before the 2024 presidential election. Had he not won the election, he might have faced some actual consequences for his crimes.
• But you can pretty much assume he will not… especially while he’s president.
• Let’s move on to more big news.
• Yesterday, after some stumbles, Mike Johnson (R-LA) won reelection to the House speakership on a first ballot, despite not being enough of a shithead for the furthest fringe right wing members of the House.
• He also got a big assist from Donnie Dump.
• In the first tally of votes, three members voted against Johnson. That was all it took to jeopardize his job. But they cornered two of them in the back of the room — and Dumpy spoke to them personally — and they changed their votes.
• Of course they did. These people have zero spine.
• Rep. Keith Self (T-TX), Rep. Thomas Massie (R-KY), and Rep. Ralph Norman (R-SC) all voted against Johnson during the initial vote. Self and Norman switched their vote after being threatened.
• And that was that. The final tally… 218 for Rep. Mike Johnson (R-LA), 215 for Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY) and 1 for Rep. Tom Emmer (R-MN). It was Massie who was the sole holdout against Johnson.
• And now, for at least the next two years, Johnson will have to walk a tightrope and get Democratic buy-in to pass any legislation.
• Get your popcorn ready. I should note that in as much as Johnson is a weird asshole, he’s nowhere near the worst of the GOP at this point.
• It coulda been way worse.
• A fascinating side note to yesterday’s Speaker election.
• Stacey Plaskett, the delegate to the United States House of Representatives from the United States Virgin Islands' at-large congressional district, stood up and spoke.
• "I note that the names of representatives from American Samoa, Guam, Northern Mariana, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, and the District of Columbia were not called, representing, collectively, 4 million Americans," she said to broad applause from the Democratic side of the chamber. "Mr. Speaker, collectively, the largest per capita of veterans in this country."
• ”Does the gentlelady have a problem?" was the response.
• "I asked why they were not called. I asked why they were not called from the parliamentarian, please."
• Oooh. Knowing the answer, she still made him respond.
• He gave her the official legal answer. "Delegates-elect and the resident commissioner-elect are not qualified to vote.”
• I think you know this, but I’ll explain anyway. US territories like the ones she mentioned have no real say in government. Unlike states’ reps, their delegates don’t cast votes in the House, despite their millions of people serving our country and being subject to House laws and budgets.
• And Plaskett ended with a zinger.
• "Thank you, Mr. Speaker. This body and this nation has a territory and a colonies problem. What was supposed to be temporary has now, effectively, become permanent. We must do something about this."
• Colonies. Ouch. She’s right.
• Moving on.
• As I predicted the other day when Dumples the Clown issued a thoughtful message after President Carter passed away, he suddenly had the realization about how the nation would, by law, honor Carter’s death.
• He wrote, ”The Democrats are all 'giddy' about our magnificent American Flag potentially being at 'half mast' during my Inauguration. They think it’s so great, and are so happy about it because, in actuality, they don’t love our Country, they only think about themselves."
• First of all, Fuckface, as I said, it’s a fucking actual law that the flag is flown at half-staff for 30 days after a US President dies. I will respectfully — and joyfully — watch that same flag flown as such after you die, asshat.
• Second, it’s half-staff… not half-mast. We’re not on a fucking ship.
• Dump is likely more familiar with the term half-mast, because it’s also used to describe when a man can’t quite get his dick hard enough to be of sexual use.
• Let’s move on.
• One thing that became apparent in the aftermath of the New Year’s bomb attack at Dump’s Las Vegas hotel: your car is spying on you.
• At least if it’s a Tesla, and probably others.
• Privacy data experts say the very fast, deep dive in info on the driver’s whereabouts leading up to the bombing by Elon Musk’s company was impressive, but also shines a spotlight on a difficult question as vehicles become less like cars and more like computers on wheels: is your car company violating your privacy rights?
• Many of the latest cars not only know where you’ve been and where you are going, but also often have access to your contacts, your call logs, your texts, and other sensitive information thanks to cell phone syncing.
• Within hours of the explosion, Tesla was able to track Matthew Livelsberger’s movements in detail from Denver to Las Vegas, and also confirm that the problem was explosives in the truck, not the truck itself.
• Experts point out that this has a downside as well.
• David Choffnes, executive director of the Cybersecurity and Privacy Institute at Northeastern University, said, “It reveals the kind of sweeping surveillance going on. When something bad happens, it’s helpful, but it’s a double edged sword. Companies that collect this data can abuse it.”
• Look, you buy devices like Amazon Alexa that are in your home and are constantly listening to you. Your phones and computers and social networks log all of your activity. 
• And that data is openly for sale. To whom? Whoever wants to pay for it.
• I work in the world of advertising and marketing. I promise, all I need to do is to write check and I can target you for myriad purposes.
• Now imagine I was a government agency who wanted to investigate you, with or without a legal court warrant.
• You get the idea.
• In other news…
• Joe Biden is giving a giant “fuck you” to MAGA here at the end of his presidency.
• He’s awarding the Medal of Freedom to 19 people, including prominent political leaders such as former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and billionaire Democratic fundraiser George Soros.
• He’s also honoring actors and athletes, including Michael J. Fox and Denzel Washington, as well as Argentine soccer star Lionel Messi and Earvin "Magic" Johnson, the retired basketball star who led the Los Angeles Lakers to five championships.
• They’re already freaking out about it over on Xitter. Good.
• And now, The Weather: “Looking at the Geese” by Renny Conti
• Fun Fact: Stephen Stills (Class of’63), Don Felder and Bernie Leadon of the Eagles (Class of ’65), and Tom Petty (Class of ’68) all went to Gainesville High School in Gainesville, FL.
• Stills and Felder were in a teenage garage band together.
• Small world.
• From the Sports Desk… no point in covering the NFL this morning. On Monday, we’ll list the final lineups and seeding of the playoffs.
• Let’s look at the QBR — quarterback rating — leaders for the season.
• 1. Lamar Jackson (BAL): 78.0. 2. Joe Burrow (CIN): 76.7. 3. Josh Allen (BUF): 76.7. 4.Jayden Daniels (WSH): 72.4. 5. Jordan Love (GB): 69.4. 6. Patrick Mahomes (KC): 68.5. 7. Brock Purdy (SF): 67.8. 8. Jared Goff (DET): 67.1. 9. Kyler Murray (ARI): 66.9. 10. Jalen Hurts (PHI): 66.1.
• QBR is the adjusted Total Quarterback Rating, which values the quarterback on all play types on a 0-100 scale, adjusted for the strength of opposing defenses faced.
• Today in history… Æthelred of Wessex and his brother Alfred are defeated by a Danish invasion army in the Battle of Reading (871). English King Charles I, accompanied by 400 soldiers, attempts to arrest five members of Parliament for treason, only to discover the men had been tipped off and fled (1642). The Netherlands, Great Britain, and France sign the Triple Alliance (1717). After having been kidnapped and sold into slavery in the American South, Solomon Northup regains his freedom; his memoir ‘Twelve Years a Slave’ later becomes a national bestseller (1853). Utah is admitted as the 45th U.S. state (1896). Soviet spacecraft Luna 1 becomes the first to reach the vicinity of the Moon (1959). Rose Heilbron becomes the first female judge to sit at the Old Bailey in London, UK (1972). Former professional wrestler Jesse Ventura is sworn in as governor of Minnesota (1999). Spirit, a NASA Mars rover, lands successfully on Mars at 04:35 UTC (2004). The 110th United States Congress convenes, electing Nancy Pelosi as the first female Speaker of the House in U.S. history (2007). The Burj Khalifa, the current tallest building in the world, officially opens in Dubai (2010).
• January 4 is the birthday of mathematician/physicist Isaac Newton (1643), mythologist Jacob Grimm (1785), educator Louis Braille (1809), circus performer General Tom Thumb (1838), Japan prime minister Katsura Tarō (1848), writer/activist Max Eastman (1883), engineer/businessman Leroy Grumman (1895), ornithologist James Bond (1900), pianist/composer Lionel Newman (1916), actress Barbara Rush (1927), actor/director Sorrell Booke (1930), NFL coach Don Shula (1930), boxer Floyd Patterson (1935), actress Dyan Cannon (1937), guitarist John McLaughlin (1942), singer-songwriter Patty Loveless (1957), actor Matt Frewer (1958), singer-songwriter Michael Stipe (1960), singer-songwriter Till Lindemann (1963), NBA player Al Jefferson (1985), NFL player Derrick Henry (1995), and NBA player Victor Wembanyama (2004).

That’s plenty for now. I’m going to shower and get dressed. My responsible duties of the day include taking out the Christmas tree tat has now overstayed its welcome, and dropping off some grown-up clothes at the dry cleaner. Less responsibly: might work on some new music for the upcoming second album by my band They Stole My Crayon. Enjoy your day.