Random News: November 24, 2022

DISCLAIMER: Zak's Random News is very random and doesn't cover many things, and not everything may be accurate, because I'm just some guy. Go find a real news source.

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Good morning. It’s November 24, 2022, and it’s a Thursday for some reason… and it’s Thanksgiving, possibly my favorite holiday. Here’s some thematically accurate stuff…

• How to make a turkey.
• First, get a turkey. Don’t get a frozen turkey. You’re way too late. You couldn’t make a frozen turkey ready for dinner tonight with anything less powerful than a hydrogen bomb. A frozen turkey would laugh at a typical flamethrower. 
• So get a fresh turkey. Take it home.
• Preheat your oven to 350º F. Some say 325º. I say my oven runs a bit cool and I don’t have all fucking day. Adjust accordingly.
• The turkey will be wrapped in some kind of plastic.
• Be careful about where you open said plastic. There will be various liquids inside that you don’t want to spray around willie-nillie in your kitchen.
• I’m assuming you’re in your kitchen. Don’t prepare food in your bedroom or bathroom.
• So anyway, you’ve got this turkey in front of you. You will notice something right away.
• The turkey will have a hole where its neck used to be, and a hole in the general vicinity of its ass.
• But don’t worry. This is normal. Here’s where it gets weird.
• You’re gonna remove the neck from the ass, and the body parts, aka giblets, from the neck. Do not freak out. They are in little plastic bags.
• You are not compelled to do anything with these spare parts. Now, if you’re a cool-ass motherfucker, you might want to make your own giblet gravy from scratch.
• I will not be telling you how. I’m just your turkey guy. Go find a giblet guy elsewhere.
• Controversial moment: to rinse the bird or not.
• The actual USDA has a statement on this. It says…
• “Many consumers think that washing their turkey will remove bacteria and make it safer. However, it's virtually impossible to wash bacteria off the bird. Instead, juices that splash during washing can transfer bacteria onto the surfaces of your kitchen, other foods and utensils.”
• So, ew, fucking gross, there’s so much bacteria on the fucking animal carcass that it’s pointless to wash and you should just give up. That’s what they’re saying.
• I carefully rinse my turkey in my sink with nothing else in it. I do NOT splash turkey juice all over the fucking place. I am careful. I am calm. I am at one with this dead bird.
• After I give it a rinse, I pat it down with some paper towels. Then I put the turkey on some more paper towels.
• Important note: everything the turkey touches in this raw state must be SUPER cleaned immediately after. I’m talking hot water, soap, disinfectant, and so on. Hands, countertop, sink, the car in which you drove the turkey home, and all points in between.
• I mean, don’t freak out. But do clean.
• Let’s talk about stuffing.
• I fucking love stuffing. You could serve me literally everything else in a giant Thanksgiving feast and without stuffing, it would be entirely meaningless to me.
• Stuffing is easy to make. I won’t tell you how. You can easily find that info elsewhere. But I will say this.
• If you’re going to put in in the bird, you should have made your stuffing like two hours ago. It’s already cooled down entire and has been in your fridge with some plastic wrap on it to keep it moist.
• Moist, I said, Moist.
• Your other option, and many prefer this anyway, is to cook the stuffing apart from the bird.
• Why do I bring all this up? Two reasons.
• First, the cooking time is longer with the bird stuff versus not.
• Second, I'm gonna tell you some shit about how to stuff.
• Put your bird into the roaster pan. Don’t stuff the turkey until right before that fucker is going in the oven. 
• Do not overstuff the bird. That’s a terrible idea. Just put the stuffing in the cavities until it is loosely full.
• Side note: I make twice as much stuffing as I need for the bird because a) I heat up the non-stuffed stuffing as its own side dish and b) I require stuffing for my sandwiches the next day.
• So you have your stuffed bird, and your oven is well heated to the proper temp.
• And now, The Weather: “atonement” by Winter ft. Hatchie
• One more thing.
• Take a lot of butter and put it all over that turkey.
• How much butter? Like, way more than you think. Every millimeter of the surface area of that turkey should be buttered. Heavily buttered. Apply the butter any way you want. Melt it and pour, or just squish it all over at room temp. Smear it into the crevices.
• I hope you have a meat thermometer. If not, you’ll probably be fine. If so, stab it into the beast in the lower part of the thigh next to the body, not touching the bone.
• Put the bird in the oven. Try putting it in at an angle where you can actually see your thermometer. That’s helpful.
• So, that’s basically it. Oh wait, you probably want to know how long to cook that sucker.
• Roast your bird at 325-350º for about 15 minutes per pound, if it’s stuffed. For my typical 12-13 pound turkey, that’s usually right around four hours.
• This is a good time to scrub the crap out of everything per above. Especially yourself.
• But wait. There’s one more thing.
• When it’s about 2/3 done and the skin is a lovely shade of golden brown, make a little tent with some aluminum foil and put it over your bird.
• The turkey is fully cooked when the thigh’s internal temperature is 180 degrees. If you’re super fancy, the thickest part of the breast should read 170 degrees and the center of the stuffing should be 165 degrees.
• Take it out of the oven. Don’t leave your oven on unless you’re cooking other shit as I do.
• This next part is important.
• You may be hungry but you’re gonna wait a bit. Let the turkey stand for 15 to 20 minutes before carving. There are reasons for this that involve your turkey being delightfully juicy rather than bone-ass dry.
• Also, if you’re me, you’re finishing up 17 other dishes at that moment and need the time regardless.
• Today in history… Genghis Khan defeats the renegade Khwarazmian prince Jalal al-Din at the Battle of the Indus, completing the Mongol conquest of Central Asia (1221). Abel Tasman becomes the first European to discover the island Van Diemen's Land, later renamed Tasmania (1642). The Texas Provincial Government authorizes the creation of a horse-mounted police force called the Texas Rangers (1835). Charles Darwin publishes On the Origin of Species (1859). Anna Sewell's animal welfare novel ‘Black Beauty’ is published (1877). In Washington, D.C., the FBI Scientific Crime Detection Laboratory officially opens (1932). Lee Harvey Oswald, the assassin of President John F. Kennedy, is killed by Jack Ruby (1963). Donald Johanson and Tom Gray discover the 40% complete Australopithecus afarensis skeleton, nicknamed "Lucy" after The Beatles song "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” (1974). Iran signs an interim agreement with the P5+1 countries, limiting its nuclear program in exchange for reduced sanctions (2013). 
• November 24 is the birthday of composer Charles Theodore Pachelbel (1690), missionary Junípero Serra (1713), US president Zachary Taylor (1784), painter Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec (1864), pianist/composer Scott Joplin (1868), educator Dale Carnegie (1888), mob boss Lucky Luciano (1897), author/publisher William F. Buckley, Jr. (1925), politician George Moscone (1929), NBA player Oscar Robertson (1938), NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue (1940), drummer Pete Best (1941), bass player Donald “Duck” Dunn (1941), comedy Billy Connolly (1942), keyboardist Richard Tee (1943), serial killer Ted Bundy (1946), NBA player/coach Rudy Tomjanovich (1948), actress Denise Crosby (1957), and actor Colin Hanks (1977). 

So that’s all. Now you know exactly how to make a turkey. This information may serve you well someday. You never know when you’ll be in some life-or-death situation where properly preparing a turkey is the only way to save the galaxy. Now you’re ready. Enjoy your day.