Random News: May 22, 2024

DISCLAIMER: Zak's Random News is very random and doesn't cover many things, and not everything may be accurate, because I'm just some guy. Go find a real news source.

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Good morning. It’s May 22, 2024, and it’s a Wednesday. Lots of stuff, little time. Let’s see what we can wedge into your consciousness in a sprint of data regurgitation. Let’s go.

• Some breaking news this morning as the governments of Spain, Ireland, and Norway announced they would recognize a Palestinian state, saying there would be no peace in the Middle East without it.
• Israel denounced the move as giving aid to its enemy Hamas, and ordered the immediate recall of the Israeli ambassadors from the three countries.
• The leaders of the three countries said they hoped their recognition would press Israel, the Palestinians, and the international community toward a two-state solution to the conflict.
• I think they’re right.
• Moving on.
• In other breaking news, the Republican National Committee headquarters in Washington, D.C., was under lockdown this morning after someone sent vials of blood to the building.
• Capitol Police responded to the scene at 7:45AM after a report of a suspicious package. The package contained two vials of blood. The source of the package and its contents are under investigation.
• Weird.
• In other news…
• Several states had primary elections, but before we even get to those, there was also a runoff election here in California to determine the replacement of Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) in the House.
• The battle was between two Republicans. Here in my state, the top two candidates face off regardless of political party. State assembly member Vincent Fong handily defeated Tulare County Sheriff Mike Boudreaux, getting over 60% of the vote.
• And the GOP House can breathe a little easier, now having a two-vote margin of majority over the Democrats instead of just one (assuming full attendance).
• Some other notable primary news: in Georgia, Fulton County DA Fani Willis won her primary election in a landslide, beating challenger Christie Wise Smith with 87% of the ballots. In that county’s superior court, judge Scott McAfee also won handily with 83% of the votes going to him.
• Both people, as you’re aware, are part of the Georgia trials of Donnie Dump.
• Oregon and Kentucky had their presidential primaries with no surprises; Biden and Dump continue on their way to the official nomination from their respective parties.
• One interesting note from Oregon's primaries… 
• Oregon state Rep. Janelle Bynum easily won the Democratic primary with almost 70% of the vote in the state’s 5th Congressional District. The significance is that it would seem more establishment Democrats are getting support over their progressive opponents.
• And in both parties, while people seem to dislike the current House, with just one exception no incumbent has been ousted by a primary challenger so far this cycle.
• In other news…
• Your birth control may become illegal if Dump get elected this fall.
• Yesterday, he stated that he is open to allowing states to restrict access to birth control, and he promised to release a “comprehensive policy” on the issue soon.
• In typical Dump-like fashion, he backtracked on the statement immediately after.
• But here’s something that’s more set in stone…
• Yesterday, the Louisiana House passed a bill that classifies the two drugs used to induce an abortion as “controlled dangerous substances.” The bill passed 64-29.
• After S.B. 276 is signed into law by Gov. Jeff Landry (R), Louisiana would become the first state in the country to include mifepristone and misoprostol in the same category as opioids, depressants and other drugs that can be highly addictive.
• Louisiana already bans both medication and surgical abortions except to save a patient’s life or because a pregnancy is “medically futile.” Lawmakers recently turned down proposed exceptions for teenagers under 17 who become pregnant through rape or incest.
• So to be clear: if a 13-year-old girl is raped and impregnated by her uncle in Louisiana, she is now forced by law to carry his baby.
• Folks… please make a plan to vote this fall.
• Moving on.
• Former New York City Mayor and current national joke punchline Rudy Giuliani pleaded not guilty yesterday to nine felony charges stemming from his role in an effort to overturn Dump’s 2020 election loss in Arizona to Joe Biden.
• Rudy appeared remotely for the arraignment that was held in a Phoenix courtroom. His trial will take place in October. As we mentioned recently, former Arizona Republican Party chair Kelli Ward and at least 11 other people were also arraigned Tuesday for conspiracy, forgery and fraud charges. Her trial date is set for October 17.
• Let’s move on.
• The United States claims that Russia has launched a spacecraft capable of attacking satellites in orbit.
• With satellites critical for communications, geolocation, and even observing climate change, militaries have woken up to the importance of defending their assets in space.
• Efforts to find agreement at the United Nations on the posting of weaponry in space continued this week, with Russia and China blocking previous attempts to ban the development of weapons of mass destruction in orbit.
• In whatever form the next world war takes place, we’re all fucked. Let’s hope these weapons never get used.
• And speaking of attacks…
• Cyberattacks against water utilities across the country are becoming more frequent and more severe, the EPA warned this week as it issued an enforcement alert urging water systems to take immediate actions to protect the nation’s drinking water.
• About 70% of utilities inspected by federal officials over the last year violated standards meant to prevent breaches or other intrusions. Some recent hacks of water utilities are linked to geopolitical rivals like Russia and Iran, and could lead to the disruption of the supply of safe water to homes and businesses.
• That’s… not good.
• A fun fact after that scary news: Lake Superior — the largest freshwater lake in the world by surface area — holds 10% of the world's surface fresh water. The Ojibwe name for the lake is gichi-gami.
• Let’s move on to talk about the plastic in your balls.
• New research published this month finds microplastics can build up in the testicles of humans. Exposure to microplastics can impact sperm quality and male fertility, but scientists are still in the early stages of translating this work to human health.
• The scientists tested 23 human testes and found plastics in every single one.
• In the distant future, researchers from another planet will marvel at the many ways our species screwed itself before going extinct.
• And now, The Weather: “Recharge” by Draag
• I briefly mentioned a horrifying discovery over the weekend when I was doing more genealogical research. Before I tell you what it was, I’m going to point out a fun fact.
• Ancestors are exponential. You have two biological parents, and four grandparents, and eight great-grandparents, 16 great-great-grandparents, and so on. It doubles each generation back.
• So by the time you get to your 13th great-grandparent, you have a lot of them. 32,768 of them, to be precise.
• Well, in my case, at least one of those 32,768 great grandparents was one of the worst human beings in history. Don’t believe me?
• Meet my 13th great-grandfather Admiral Sir John Hawkins, an English naval commander, naval administrator, pirate, and slave trader.
• Not just any slave trader. 
• Hawkins pioneered English involvement in the Atlantic slave trade. He is considered to be the first English merchant to profit from selling enslaved people from Africa to the Spanish colonies in the West Indies in the late 16th century.
• You fucking prick.
• In 1562, Hawkins set sail with three ships, traveling down the African coast as far as Sierra Leone. He captured roughly 300 people and enslaved them as he went.
• It was so profitable that two years later, Queen Elizabeth I and investors backed his second slave voyage, taking over 400 enslaved people from Africa. He stole another 500 people on a third trip in 1567/68.
• Not that slavery didn’t exist for thousands and thousands of years before John Hawkins — it definitely did. But this man was the father of the slave trade as we know it. And I’ve got his shitty DNA in my body. Now you know why I’ve felt pretty upset about this discovery.
• Before you say anything, yes… obviously I have no control over my ancestry. And my whole life, I’ve promoted philosophies that deem all people to be of equal value and to be offered equal opportunities.
• It still sucks.
• From the Sports Desk… last night was the first game of the NBA playoffs Eastern Conference finals. The Boston Celtics beat the Indiana Pacers 133-128.
• Tonight is game 1 of the Western Conference series between the Minnesota Timberwolves and the Dallas Mavericks.
• Today in history… The massacre at the festival of Tóxcatl takes place during the Fall of Tenochtitlan, resulting in turning the Aztecs against the Spanish (1520). The Lewis and Clark Expedition officially begins as the Corps of Discovery departs from St. Charles, MO (1804). A grand jury indicts former Vice President of the United States Aaron Burr on a charge of treason (1807). HMS Beagle departs on its first voyage (1826). The Associated Press is formed in New York City as a non-profit news cooperative (1846). Future U.S. President Abraham Lincoln is issued a patent for an invention to lift boats, making him the only U.S. president to ever hold a patent (1849). Congressman Preston Brooks of South Carolina severely beats Senator Charles Sumner of Massachusetts with a cane in the hall of the United States Senate for a speech Sumner had made regarding Southerners and slavery (1856). Oliver Winchester founded the Winchester Repeating Arms (1866). President Ulysses S. Grant signs the Amnesty Act into law, restoring full civil and political rights to all but about 500 Confederate sympathizers (1872). The Wright brothers are granted U.S. patent number 821,393 for their “Flying-Machine" (1906). Mexico enters the Second World War on the side of the Allies (1942). U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson launches his Great Society program (1964). Ceylon adopts a new constitution, becoming a republic and changing its name to Sri Lanka (1972). Bosnia and Herzegovina, Croatia and Slovenia join the United Nations (1992). A U.S. federal judge rules that U.S. Secret Service agents can be compelled to testify before a grand jury concerning the Lewinsky scandal involving President Bill Clinton (1998). The Republic of Ireland becomes the first nation in the world to legalize gay marriage in a public referendum (2015). 
• May 22 is the birthday of Mayan king Itzam K'an Ahk I (626), physicist William Sturgeon (1783), composer Richard Wagner (1813), painter Mary Cassatt (1844), actor Laurence Olivier (1907), pianist/composer Sun Ra (1914), TV producer Quinn Martin (1922), politician Harvey Milk (1930), actress Susan Strasberg (1938), actor Paul Winfield (1939), journalist Bernard Shaw (1940), serial killer Ted Kaczynski (1942), MLB player Tommy John (1943), lyricist Bernie Taupin (1950), activist Barbara May Cameron (1954), singer-songwriter Morrissey (1959), politician Sharice Davids (1980), speed skater Apolo Ohno (1982), and NFL player Julian Edelman (1986).

There’s definitely more news than I have time to deliver this morning. Ah well. I can have more of everything except time. Enjoy your day.