Random News: April 5, 2025

DISCLAIMER: Zak's Random News is very random and doesn't cover many things, and not everything may be accurate, because I'm just some guy. Go find a real news source.

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Good morning. It’s April 5, 2025, and it’s a Saturday. Right now I’m in my bathrobe and enjoying a cup of Peet’s Major Dickason’s Blend, but this moment of quiet calm won’t last long.

• I have to hurry through this news this morning because…
• I’m about to save the world. And you can help. Today.
• It’s true. Today is the day that I, along with potentially a half million real Americans — maybe less, maybe more — across all 50 states will be taking part in the largest day of action since Dumples the Incompetent Clown took office for the second time.
• And you can join us. You don’t need to do anything. Just show up. Let’s do this.
• Simply go to handsoff2025.com and find the event nearest to you. Most of them start at noon today, local time wherever you are in the USA. Put on some comfy shoes. Then just go. That’s it.
• Tomorrow, I’ll report back on what I saw and experienced while I was there at my local Hands Off rally.
• At the moment, I’m getting my stuff together and girding my loins, or something.
• Let’s do a little news.
• For the second day in a row, the stock market was absolutely pounded yesterday after China retaliated with new tariffs on U.S. goods, sparking fears that Dumples the Loser Clown has ignited a global trade war that will lead to a recession.
• Want a tally of the Dumpy Damage? Sure.
• The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped 2,231.07 points, or 5.5%, to 38,314.86 on Friday, its biggest decline since June 2020 during the pandemic. This follows a 1,679 point decline on Thursday and brings the drawdown from its record to more than 14%.
• The S&P 500 nosedived 5.97% to 5,074.08, also the biggest decline since March 2020. The benchmark shed 4.84% on Thursday and is now off more than 17% off its recent high.
• The Nasdaq Composite, home to many tech companies that sell to China and manufacture there as well, dropped 5.8%, to 15,587.79. This follows a nearly 6% drop on Thursday and takes measure down by 22% from its spot in December.
• While I don’t celebrate the bad fortunate of any company, I will mention with some schadenfreude that Tesla fell another 10% yesterday. Why? Because they are very beholden to China for parts.
• In the midst of the misery, there’s a comedic side note I wanted to point out.
• On Wednesday, when The Dumpster unveiled his list of countries that would be impacted by the tariffs, many people noted how bizarre and arbitrary it seemed in many cases.
• For example, the tariffs on the uninhabited Heard and McDonald Islands, a sub-Antarctic territory of Australia that’s populated only by penguins.
• What’s the deal? And why would they be tariffed separately from Australia?
• Well, the Internet is smart and someone figured it out. The tariffs were not broken down by country; they were segmented by top level internet domain.
• Proof? The web suffix of places like Reunion (.re) and  Gibraltar (.gi) are listed separately from France and the UK, who own the respective territories.
• So what some moron did was to use an LLM — an AI bot — to generate the list and then never checked it, or weren’t smart enough to understand why this was a problem.
• Fucking. Dumb. Asses. My God, man.
• Moving on.
• Continuing our coverage of Kilmar Abrego Garcia, the Maryland father of three who was mistakenly deported to El Salvador…
• Yesterday, a federal judge ruled that Abrego Garcia must be returned to the U.S. by Monday, April 7.
• Despite him filing a lawsuit against several federal officials demanding to be returned to the U.S., and that ICE officials blamed an "administrative error" and an "oversight" for Abrego Garcia's deportation, they refused to take action to rectify the mistake. 
• The Dump team argued that the federal government does not have jurisdiction since Abrego Garcia is in the custody of the El Salvador government.
• Judge Paula Xinis wanted some answers. "There is no warrant for his arrest. There is no statement of probable cause. What is the actual document that got this process started?" 
• Department of Justice attorney Erez Reuveni responded, "I do not have that order. It is not in the record." 
• Abrego Garcia's wife, Jennifer, said she is scared for his life in the infamously horrid El Salvador penal camp. “He's not a criminal," she said. "My husband is an amazing person. An amazing father."
• BRING KILMAR BACK NOW YOU FUCKS.
• In other news…
• The ultra-conservative Supreme Court Court handed a win to Dumpy and his wealthy pals yesterday.
• They ruled 5-4 to clear the way for Dump to withhold millions of dollars in federal education grants because it said they funded programs that involve diversity, equity. and inclusion initiatives.
• The court said in an unsigned opinion that its stay will remain in place while legal proceedings move forward. Pussies.
• If you’re interested, Chief Justice John Roberts joined with the three liberal justices — Kagan, Sotomayor, and Jackson — in dissent.
• The legal battle over the administration's decision to cut off the grants is the latest challenging Dumpy's second-term policies to reach the Supreme Court.
• So far, the country’s laws and our democracy has been more often than not protected by the federal district courts, but literally anything can happen once they get to the far-right SCOTUS, with at least members who tend to ignore the Constitution and make rulings based only on political allegiance.
• Some better news next, via U.S. District Judge John McConnell, who ruled yesterday that Dump violated a court order by halting Federal Emergency Management Agency's disbursement of millions of dollars in grant funding to states.
• McConnell in Providence, Rhode Island, sided with Democratic state attorneys general in finding that the funding pause violated his injunction blocking the administration's earlier sweeping pause of federal grants, loans, and other financial aid.
• So now maybe some folks will get the FEMA payments that Dump stopped. Or maybe not.
• Let’s move on.
• American farmers… even though many of you are among Dumpy’s biggest supporters, I feel compelled to apologize to you for what’s about to happen.
• It was already rough for you. Higher inflation sent prices for fertilizer, seed, and other costs soaring.
• Prices for major crops like soybeans and corn have plummeted roughly 40 percent since 2022 — partly because Dumpy’s first trade war reshaped the global markets for these commodities.
• And the fund that was previously used to bail you out has now dried up.
• Now Dump’s trade war is now going to have one of the biggest negative impact on farmers in this country, especially in red states as small- and mid-sized farms struggle to stay afloat and big farms lose their export markets.
• An important note on the tariffs that you may have missed.
• Dumpy imposed a 26% tariff on India. Why would this matter to you?
• Welp… over 50% of all generic medicines in the US are made in India. So the price of nine out of every ten prescription drugs is heading up.
• This will harm literally all Americans.
• Moving on.
• Dumpy is focusing on the important stuff: playing golf and saving TikTok.
• Yesterday, the Fat Orange Bastard said he would sign another executive order to delay enforcement of a law that effectively bans TikTok. 
• Dumpy signed an executive order on his first day directing the Justice Department to not enforce the ban for 75 days. That executive order was set to expire today. 
• So while your retirement funds are dwindling away and the prices of your groceries and other necessary purchases are about to skyrocket, Dumples said, "We do not want TikTok to 'go dark.' We look forward to working with TikTok and China to close the Deal."
• I don’t give a fuck. Do you?
• And now, The Weather: “Coat” by Sex Week
• From the Sports Desk… the NCAA Women’s tourney has a championship matchup set.
• 2-seed UConn beat 1-seed UCLA, and 1-seed South Carolina beat 1-seed Texas. The championship game between the Huskies and Gamecocks is tomorrow.
• And in NHL news, congrats to the legendary Alex Ovechkin, who tied Wayne Gretzky's record of 894 goals in the Washington Capitals' 5-3 victory over the Chicago Blackhawks last night.
• Incredibly, the career goal mark between the two players is nearly identical — Gretzky finished his career with 894 goals in 1,487 games over 20 NHL seasons. Ovechkin, meanwhile, has 894 goals in 1,486 games over his 20 NHL seasons.
• Crazy.
• Today in history… Two hundred Dutch noblemen, led by Hendrick van Brederode, force themselves into the presence of Margaret of Parma and present the Petition of Compromise, denouncing the Spanish Inquisition in the Seventeen Provinces (1566). In Virginia, Native American Pocahontas marries English colonist John Rolfe (1614). United States President George Washington exercises his authority to veto a bill, the first time this power is used in the United States (1792). The American Birth Control League, forerunner of Planned Parenthood, is incorporated (1922). U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt signs two executive orders: 6101 to establish the Civilian Conservation Corps, and 6102 "forbidding the Hoarding of Gold Coin, Gold Bullion, and Gold Certificates" by U.S. citizens (1933). Yugoslav leader Josip Broz Tito signs an agreement with the Soviet Union to allow "temporary entry of Soviet troops into Yugoslav territory” (1945). A fire in Effingham, IL, kills 77 people and leads to nationwide fire code improvements in the United States (1949). Ethel and Julius Rosenberg are sentenced to death for spying for the Soviet Union (1951). Massive anti-Vietnam war demonstrations occur in many U.S. cities (1969). The US Supreme Court rules that congressional legislation that diminished the size of the Sioux people's reservation thereby destroyed the tribe's jurisdictional authority over the area in Rosebud Sioux Tribe v. Kneip (1977). In Japan, the Akashi Kaikyō Bridge opens to traffic, becoming the longest bridge span in the world (1998). 
• April 5 is the birthday of French queen Isabella of Hainault (1170), politician Benjamin Harrison V (1726), revolutionary war hero Sybil Ludington (1761), sea captain/politician Robert Smalls (1839), educator Booker T. Washington (1856), actor Walter Huston (1883), actor Spencer Tracy (1900), actress Bette Davis (1908), film producer Albert R. Broccoli (1909), actor Gregory Peck (1916), music producer Joe Meek (1929), entertainment manager Peter Grant (1935), US general/secretary of state Colin Powell (1937), actor Max Gail (1943), actress Jane Asher (1946), engineer/astronaut Judith Resnik (1949), actor Mitch Pileggi (1952), singer-songwriter Peter Case (1954), singer-songwriter Stan Ridgway (1954), wrestler Diamond Dallas Page (1956), guitarist Mike McCready (1966), singer-songwriter Paula Cole (1968), singer-songwriter Pharrell Williams (1973), and NBA player Stephen Jackson (1978). 

Alright. It’s time for me to get showered, get dressed, and gird my loins (?) for the day that will change the history of the world. I’m experienced at this; I’m prepared; I’m ready to rock. I’ll be posting later on with a recap of the events of the day. And remember… you can still be part of it. Go to handsoff2025.com and get info. Wish me luck. LET’S FUCKING GO! Enjoy your day.