Random News: March 24, 2025

DISCLAIMER: Zak's Random News is very random and doesn't cover many things, and not everything may be accurate, because I'm just some guy. Go find a real news source.

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Good morning. It’s March 24, 2025, and it’s a Monday. I slept so hard that my alarm clock was inordinately shocking at 6am. I guess that’s good? Anyway, now that I’m awake and showered and dressed and have coffee, let’s get rolling on our news.

• We’re now are the point where the Attorney General is publicly threatening a member of the House of Representatives.
• That didn’t take long.
• AG Pam Bondi warned Rep. Jasmine Crockett (D-TX) on Sunday to “tread very carefully” following the lawmaker’s recent remarks in opposition to Elon Musk.
• “She is an elected public official, so she needs to tread very carefully because nothing will happen to Elon Musk, and we’re going to fight to protect all of the Tesla owners throughout this country,” Bondi said during a televised interview.
• The warning comes days after the Democrat spoke at a virtual rally held for the The Tesla Takedown movement, a group rallying against Musk and his Department of Government Efficiency’s efforts to bulldoze the federal bureaucracy through boycotts and demonstrations at Tesla properties. The coalition is organizing 500 demonstrations March 29 at Tesla locations across the country.
• Crockett clarified during the rally that her calls for action were nonviolent.
• Bondi also doubled down on her determination to rein in the anti-Tesla protests. “We are looking at everything, especially if this is a concerted effort,” she said.
• So yes, in the USA in 2025, if you don’t like a car company and want to peacefully protest it, the White House is happy to call you a terrorist.
• In very much related news…
• Over the weekend, a man drove his car into protesters outside a Tesla dealership in Palm Beach County, FL but did not injure any of those who had gathered to demonstrate against Musk and his little sidekick Dumpy.
• The protest on Saturday was interrupted when Andrew Dutil drove his vehicle onto the sidewalk full of protesters, forcing people to scramble out of the way to avoid the being hit.
• Dutil was arrested and faces an assault charge. To be clear, the peaceful protesters are terrorists, according to the Dump administration. The guy who tried to run them over with his car isn’t.
• This is America.
• Let’s move on.
• If you have kids who require special education, Dump’s attempt to close of the Department of Education will be particularly difficult for you.
• Example: the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act, known as IDEA. It’s a federal law, enforced by the US Department of Education, that guarantees free public education for disabled children and protects Individualized Education Programs, which are tailored to their unique needs.
• With no DOE, that’s gone.
• This past Thursday, Stinky Dump signed an executive order kicking off the process of eliminating the Department of Education. While entirely shuttering the department would require an act of Congress, Dump directed Education Secretary Linda McMahon to “take all necessary steps to facilitate the closure of the Department of Education.”
• The Department of Education provides more than $15 billion annually to help serve 7.4 million students through the IDEA. If the Department of Education closes, parents of disabled children will lose federal funds and protection and enforcement of their educational needs.
• The USA used to be a place where we cared for our children with special needs. Maybe it will be again someday.
• Moving over to the International Desk…
• Canada is jumping right into some snap elections, and the focus of theirs on April 28 will be Dumples the Colonizing Clown.
• Both new Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney and his Conservative opponent said Dumpy — who’s been making the ridiculous threat of annexing Canada into a new US state — must respect Canada’s sovereignty as they kicked off their election campaigns yesterday.
• Carney was clear and to the point.
• “We are facing the most significant crisis of our lifetimes because of President Trump’s unjustified trade actions and his threats to our sovereignty. President Trump claims that Canada isn’t a real country. He wants to break us so America can own us. We will not let that happen,” he stated.
• The governing Liberals had previously appeared poised for a historic election defeat this year until Donnie Doo Doo declared a trade war. He has repeatedly said Canada should become the 51st U.S. state and has acknowledged he’s upended Canadian politics.
• Now, Canada has united via Dump’s almost daily attacks on the country’s sovereignty, and they are infuriated. A surge in Canadian nationalism has bolstered Liberal poll numbers.
• Good.
• Moving on.
• A rest in peace going out to Mia Love, a daughter of Haitian immigrants who became the first Black Republican woman elected to Congress. She died yesterday of cancer at age 49.
• Cancer crosses every race, every age, every nationality, and certainly every political affiliation. 
• Unfortunately, with the current effort to eliminate birthright citizenship, Love likely would not have been able to run for office (or possibly even vote) as the daughter of immigrants under the current administration, despite being a Republican.
• Let’s move on.
• Dumpy has announced that Boeing — not Lockheed Martin — will build the U.S. Air Force's next generation of fighter jets. In an extraordinarily ass-kissing maneuver, Boeing named the imaginary plane the F-47.
• "The generals picked a title, and it's a beautiful number," said Dumples the Easily-Influencable Clown."Nothing in the world comes even close to it."
• Nothing is known about its exact specifications, appearance or capabilities. Dump stated that the sixth-generation fighter aircraft would be "virtually unseeable" on radar, as if he knows anything at all about science.
• The price tag? Estimated somewhere in the hundreds of billions.
• ”We've given an order for a lot. We can't tell you the price," Dumpy said.
• Moving on.
• I thought we were done talking about Republican state senator Justin Eichorn of Grand Rapids, MN, who — one day after introducing a bill to declare anyone who doesn’t love Dumpy legally insane a week ago — was arrested for trying to have sex with a child.
• He then resigned on Thursday under pressure from his party.
• Now, federal prosecutors are asking the court to keep him in jail until his trial after he lied to investigators and tried to conceal evidence.
• In a motion filed yesterday, prosecutors asked the court for a new detention hearing after a search of Eichorn's St. Paul apartment. Investigators found a handgun and ammunition while searching the apartment despite Eichorn’s claim of not owning a gun.
• But in an amazing moment of stupidity, while authorities searched the apartment, a woman showed up and asked to retrieve a laptop computer from inside. She was denied and left.
• Later, she declined to be interviewed by the FBI. But Eichorn and the mystery lady had communicated multiple times via jail phone calls. And they also found an iPhone that had recently been reset to factory default settings to erase all content on the phone.
• LOL. That guy’s been fucking all kinds of kids.
• In other news…
• Conan O’Brien received the received the 26th Mark Twain Prize for American Humor last night at the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts.
• I’m a longtime fan of the guy and all his work.
• O'Brien was announced as this year's Twain Prize winner in mid-January. A month later, Dump ousted the Kennedy Center's president, board chair, and appointed board members. In response, artists resigned from leadership roles and canceled gigs.
• While accepting the prize, Coco pointedly thanked former board chair David Rubenstein and former president Deborah Rutter. "They're the reason I'm here," he said. "Honestly, I don't know why they aren't here tonight."
• Hahahahaha!
• Toward the end of the evening, David Letterman — himself a Mark Twain Prize winner — called the evening "the most entertaining gathering of the resistance ever."
• And Conan made another pointed comment directed at El Dumpo: ”First and foremost, Twain hated bullies. He punched up, not down. And he deeply, deeply empathized with the weak."
• He’s not the only one to perform at Kennedy Center and make their sentiments known from the stage. Earlier this month, cellist Erin Murphy Snedecor ended her set with a performance of the Woody Guthrie protest anthem “All You Fascists Bound to Lose.”
• I do that song too.
• And now, The Weather: “Bolted Heart” by Dana Gavanski
• In celebrity gossip news, golfer Tiger Woods has confirmed his relationship with the former daughter-in-law of Dumpy.
• Woods is banging Vanessa Trump, who was formerly married to a human-sized 8-ball of cocaine named Donald Trump Jr.
• I mean, I guess that’s gotta be a step up for her?
• From the Sports Desk… under duress, I shall tell you the schedule of the next round of the NCAA Men’s basketball tourney, aka the Sweet 16.
• 1-seed Auburn v. 5-seed Michigan. 6-seed Ole Miss v. 2-seed Michigan State. 1-seed Florida v. 4-seed Maryland. 3-seed Texas Tech v. 10-seed Arkansas. 1-seed Duke v. 4-seed Arizona. 6-seed BYU v. 2-seed Alabama. 1-seed Houston v. 4-seed Purdue. 3-seed Kentucky v. 2-seed Tennessee.
• Today in history… King Richard I of England is wounded by a crossbow bolt while fighting in France (1199). James VI of Scotland is proclaimed King James I of England and Ireland upon the death of Elizabeth I (1603). The Province of Carolina is granted by charter to eight Lords Proprietor in reward for their assistance in restoring Charles II of England to the throne (1663). Johann Sebastian Bach dedicated six concertos to Margrave Christian Ludwig of Brandenburg-Schwedt, now commonly called the Brandenburg Concertos (1721). Great Britain passes the Quartering Act, which requires the Thirteen Colonies to house British troops (1765). Japanese Chief Minister Ii Naosuke is assassinated by rōnin samurai outside the Sakurada Gate of Edo Castle (1860). Robert Koch announces the discovery of Mycobacterium tuberculosis, the bacterium responsible for tuberculosis (1882). Mayor of New York City Robert Anderson Van Wyck breaks ground for a new underground "Rapid Transit Railroad" that would link Manhattan and Brooklyn (1900). Direct rule is imposed on Northern Ireland by the Government of the United Kingdom under Edward Heath (1972). In Argentina, the armed forces overthrow the constitutional government of President Isabel Perón and start a 7-year dictatorial period (1976). In Prince William Sound in Alaska, the Exxon Valdez spills 240,000 barrels (38,000 m3) of crude oil after running aground (1989). Comet Shoemaker–Levy 9 is discovered by Carolyn and Eugene Shoemaker, and David Levy at the Palomar Observatory in California (1993). Students across the United States stage the March for Our Lives demanding gun control in response to the Stoneman Douglas High School shooting (2018).
• March 24 is the birthday of clock maker John Harrison (1693), politician Rufus King (1755), poet/composer Fanny Crosby (1820), activist Matilda Joslyn Gage (1826), SCOTUS justice Horace Gray (1828), businessman/philanthropist Andrew W. Mellon (1855), magician Harry Houdini (1874), actor Roscoe Arbuckle (1887), MLB player George Sisler (1893), animator Ub Iwerks (1901), criminal Clyde Barrow (1909), animator Joseph Barbera (1911), poet Lawrence Ferlinghetti (1919), actor Norman Fell (1924), actor Steve McQueen (1930), bass player Carol Kaye (1935), fashion designer Bob Mackie (1940), actor/drill instructor R. Lee Ermey (1944), harmonica player Lee Oskar (1948), singer-songwriter Nick Lowe (1949), fashion designer Tommy Hilfiger (1951), actor/comedian Louie Anderson (1953), businessman Steve Ballmer (1956), actress/model Kelly Le Brock (1960), actress Lara Flynn Boyle (1970), NFL player Mike Vanderjagt (1970), comedian/actor Tig Notaro (1971), actor Jim Parsons (1973), NFL player Peyton Manning (1976), actress Jessica Chastain (1977), NBA player Chris Bosh (1984), and NFL player Damar Hamlin (1998).

Alrighty, time for the less fun part of Monday to get rolling. Enjoy your day.